The Day I Contemplated Suicide

Oddicombe painting

Oddicombe painting by Amy

 

Everyone faces this point in their life: there is no way forward; the outlook is bleak; thoughts are black; is there any way out? In a moment of weakness, death looks like the only option. The date was 10 December 1995. This is the turning point in my story.

The Background

Two years before to the day, I had walked away from my marriage to my second wife, Suzann. She didn’t deserve it. In hindsight, I can see I was being selfish. My two daughters were now effectively fatherless.

In the meantime, I had moved in with another woman. Now I found myself responsible for two households. As I was not earning enough to take care of even one household, this was an imposssibility. Needless to say, something had to give.

The Crunch

Well, as things progressed, the situation went from impossible to insane. I will skip the details, to protect the feelings of those involved. However, I found myself facing permanent unemployment, bankruptcy, and divorce. I couldn’t see ANY future where I could succeed in life.

As ‘luck’ would have it, I had an argument with my partner. She stopped listening, looking and speaking to me. I felt totally bereft. When she tried going upstairs to get away from our conflict, I pulled her back down. She landed with a thump on the bottom step.

I decided to go for a walk.

Oddicombe Beach

Not far from our home in Torquay is a stretch of beach known as Oddicombe. It is isolated and difficult to get to, especially in the dark. Needless to say, that is where I headed to clear my head.

Once I got there, in the dark, I looked out at the water which stretches out as far as the eye can see (in daylight). I started to think about my hopeless situation. The water seemed to be saying with its gently lapping waves: ‘Come on in, the water’s fine.’

I stepped forward to the edge of the shore…

The Turning Point

At that moment, I pictured my partner in my mind. I put myself in her place, hearing the news of my demise. I saw in an instant how unfair that would be to her. She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t even know I was contemplating suicide.

I then thought I should call her on the ‘phone and explain my predicament. Then I remembered that I had left my wallet and change at home. I couldn’t call her to say goodbye! Oh shit! Now what?

I had no choice: I had to walk back home…

The Moment of Truth Chart

As others, who are Astrologers, will be able to explain, this chart shows another Perfect Storm, similar to the one that caused Robin Williams to take his life.
Because it is my story, I feel reluctant to discuss the intricate aspects. But I will point out the main triggers.

There is a double Yod (Finger of God) involving Transit Venus, Natal Pluto, Transit Saturn and Natal Neptune. This gives the event a fated feel. The resolution may have been the Inconjunct involving Transit Pluto (on the cusp of my Natal 12th House, the House of Insanity) and my un-aspected Natal Uranus. That gave me the chance to change my mind.

The Transit Sun Conjunct my Natal Ascendant made this day ‘touchy’, to say the least. It was the same that day two years previous. It stimulates the ‘something has to be done’ feeling inside.

But the real saving grace in this chart is the Transit Moon Conjunct the Transit Ascendant on the cusp of my Natal 8th House (the House of Death). As the Moon crossed the Ascendant, the moment passed…

Conclusion

It has now been almost 20 years since that fateful night. My life has turned around. I am now happily married to my third wife, Susan. We are in our happy retirement. There is a lesson in here somewhere.

So, if you are facing certain disaster and there is nowhere to turn, remember that ‘this too shall pass’.

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/6-l1y0gnSnI?rel=0

Picture Credit: Oddicombe Beach courtesy of http://www.itsagreengreenworld.com

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About cdsmiller17

I am an Astrologer who also writes about world events. My first eBook "At This Point in Time" is available through most on-line book stores. I have now serialized my second book "The Star of Bethlehem" here. And to give my blog pages something lighter, I'm sharing some of my personal photographs, too.
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2 Responses to The Day I Contemplated Suicide

  1. Suicide is a need to shed an old skin, recycle old friends for new ones, quit an old dead beat job for one that’s more about who you are. The need for suicide is a sign for the need for new surroundings, new beginnings, and a new way of expressing your amazing new self. Suicide is a scream for change.
    Go in peace…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: My Journey, as told on WordPress | cdsmiller17

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